tell me how... how can i stop the pain?

='(

everywhere i turn, every thing i do, every where i go, you're there to haunt me. everything i touch or see reminds me of you. i can't even read my own blog. because once i see our photos, i will start crying. memories will just start flooding back into my mind. i cannot stop nor control them. it's as if they have a mind on their own and their only mission is to engulf me in them. every where i see, i see you. i don't know why.

i hate the night now. because once darkness falls, i am all alone. i do whatever i can to keep myself busy at night. the time for me to sleep gets later and later.. because i keep occupying myself with stuff to do. because if i don't, i will start thinking of you. i dread to sleep every night because i will start to think of you. and then i will cry myself to sleep. every night. i hate sleeping, i hate nights.

i will still automatically leave my weekends free. i don't know why. maybe part of me wishes that you'll come back and sweep me off my feet. but i know you won't. everything is irreversible now. if i could turn back time, i swear i would do things differently. you gave me your trust. yet i betrayed it time and again. and when i started to do things right, it was too late. you already don't trust me.

i really don't know what to do. i hate myself for feeling this way. i hate myself for being weak. but yet, there is nothing i can do. i can't help myself from feeling totally helpless and weak. i wish that i could bury myself in a hole and stop all these feelings. i hate being alone. because being alone makes me think of you again. and i hate it.

i try to be happy. i make myself happy in front my friends so as to not make them worry. but nobody knows exactly how i feel inside. i leave my tears at home. and it is at home that i always cry to myself. i hate it. i hate how i feel.

tell me what to do to make it stop. because now, even i myself hate myself.


='((((((((((((